I am starting this blog to help keep track of my emotions and pin point my triggers as i suffer with Borderline Personality Disorder and Anxiety. I have chosen to do this publicly to help more people to become aware of what it is like living with BPD, and to show other people that have this disorder that they are not alone. So here we go!
The other day my boyfriend told me that on the first of December he is going out drinking with his hockey friends. Now this would trigger me to feel ‘abandoned’ at the best of times, but knowing that he often gets into fights when he goes out drinking… made it that much worse. So like usual in these types of situations, i became very quiet and distant, which my boyfriend noticed, and he started to ask me if i was okay, which he knew i wasn’t, so he then started to ask me what was bothering me. Now i really wanted to tell him everything that ‘triggers’ or bothers me, but i know that this might make him feel like he can’t go out without me, or that he always has to be with me to look after me. Which believe it or not, i don’t want. I want him to go out with his friends or go out drinking or whatever else he would like to do. And i would hate myself if i ever stopped him from doing what he wants to do, and i know that this would push him away. People often think of me as a jealous, or manipulative person. Which isn’t true! I don’t get jealous when for example, my boyfriend goes out without me, i just have a massive fear that he won’t come back because he prefers someone else or he doesn’t enjoy spending time with me because i always feel like i do everything wrong even when i am constantly trying so hard not to. And i am not manipulative because that implies that i know that i am doing it. What really happens is that when my emotions are that strong and raw, i will do whatever i can to stop them emotions which often involves saying or doing things to make the person i feel is ‘abandoning’ me, not want to leave.