Entry 2

Today i noticed that when my boyfriend told me he might not be able to see me next weekend i had a sudden wave of emotion. He was so nice about it and kept apologising but by that point the emotions had already flooded in. I tried not to show him how i felt and i think i did that fairly well, i just got a bit quieter then i was before. When he told me it felt like my heart stopped for a second and then sped up. I started shaking slightly and felt suddenly sick like i had just been punched in the stomach. The worst part about it is knowing that the emotions and reactions are completely unreasonable but not knowing how to stop feeling like i am being abandoned. I am fully aware that fear of abandonment (real or imagined), is one of the main symptoms of BPD and i want nothing more than to not feel how i do. To me, this imagined abandonment feels like being broken up with or left behind, by someone you love more than anything, every time they tell you they are going out, or won’t be able to see you on a particular day. It hurts so fucking much i can’t even describe it because it just doesn’t sound as painful as it is. And it is harder still knowing that when you tell other people about how you feel, they don’t understand, or can’t grasp the full extent of the feeling.

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