Entry 4

So you know when you are not good at conversation and you are talking to someone who you really like, and you say something that probably should’ve stayed in your head but it’s too late now because you have already said it, and now you have said it you have to keep on talking to cover up what you have said, but then you say other things that you probably shouldn’t have said, and you end up digging yourself a hole that you will probably never be able to escape from… Those time’s are so much fun aren’t they! I will now be replaying that conversation in my head for the next 3 years, thinking of everything i said wrong and how the person i said the things to will probably never be the same around me again. Ugh, why do i do this. I really wish i could delete that conversation out of my life. I am tired of having to think so deeply into every conversation i have, every action i make, every little word i say, to make sure that i haven’t said or done the wrong thing. Another symptom of BPD, that is sort of along the same lines of the abandonment symptom, is the constant worrying and obsessing over having to do everything perfectly, and thinking that if you do the slightest thing wrong, your boyfriend will leave you for someone better, because you are not worth it, and you are too stupid, or too clumsy, or just too sh!t in general. And when you do think that you have done something stupid, you will over-analyse the tiniest of gestures or comments, convincing yourself that you will be ‘abandoned’ and left behind because you really aren’t good enough. So now is one of those times where i have gone from being really happy… to full on wanting to die, in less than a second!

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