Entry 9

Last night i cried, a lot! I was so upset that i hurt myself a number of times. I was a bit off with my boyfriend last night when i was texting him, and ended up saying good night way earlier than i usually would because i was so upset and i guess what i really wanted was for him to fight for me to keep talking to him because i felt like i was being a burden. Today i have kept myself very busy up until now. I woke up early and left the house at 9 to go to the library and stayed there working until 2. Then i got the bus to the gym near my house and stayed there for just over an hour. Altogether i think i burned about 650 calories. I aim to do better tomorrow. When i got home i had a big dinner and now i am just sat listening to music. I have not been too bad today apart from the odd wave of sadness and loneliness. But i can feel that it is only a matter of time. I am not happy. I feel low, slow, odd, distant, i want to sleep. I feel like tonight will be just like last night. I am not even looking forward to seeing my boyfriend at the moment because i am too worried about me being able to cope for that long without him and i will end up having a really shitty day and i will say something i don’t mean or i will be really off with him. When i am sad, i push him away. When all i really want is to hug him and cry while he tells me it is going to be okay.

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