Entry 13

I was happy about 2 minutes ago. Then i got a text from my boyfriend. It said that he had to go to hockey and then he was going to go for some drinks afterwards. IĀ feel like my heart has just fallen out. I honestly wish he hadn’t told me about going for drinks because that is a big trigger for me. I went from happy, to so fucking angry, and sad, and anxious, and scared, and lonely…. all in a matter of seconds. It is the worst feeling imaginable and i have no clue how to handle it. The only thing that makes me feel a slight bit better in these situations is hurting myself. I just keep thinking, what is the point in this. I can’t do this. I want a drink so much right now, but my family have me on an alcohol ban… So i had a pretty shitty night. I have cried, i have cut, i have drank. Nothing seemed to make me feel better and that is all i want. To feel okay, or to feel happy, is the ultimate goal. I spilled everything about how i have been feeling to my boyfriend. I am not too sure how he took it. I am now worrying that i told him too much, and that he will think of me as being ‘broken’ from now on. But he is coming over on Saturday night to see me so i have that to focus on.

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