Entry 17

So today has been an awful day. I woke up okay, I got ready and was about to leave for the library when i decided to check my bank account. BIG MISTAKE. I have a serious spending problem, and the money that should’ve lasted me until January, is now barely going to get me to December. So I got all panicky, and bailed on the library. I was talking to my boyfriend at the time, and probably because i was quite anxious anyway, i felt like he was annoyed at me. I do not deal well with feeling like people don’t like me. It is a big trigger of mine. If i think someone is even slightly annoyed with me, then i get upset. If i feel like my boyfriend is upset with me, i spiral. So i started to hyperventilate. I had a panic attack. I could not stop crying. And i hurt myself again. All in all, i was a bit of a mess at the time. So when my mum went out a few minutes later, i had a sleeping tablet. I slept from about 10:00, to 16:00, when my mum made me get out of bed. I hate feeling so out of control of myself and would do anything to feel like i had some say in how my days go. At 17:30, i went back to sleep until just before 09:00 when my mum came and woke me up again. I felt a little better this time, and ended up going to watch TV with the family. I also explained to my boyfriend what was up and he made me feel a lot better. He even messaged me saying that he had been reading up on BPD and wondered if there was anything more he could do to help me. Him saying that to me meant the world to me. So the day ended pretty well, with me talking to my boyfriend, and listening to disney songs to keep my mood up.

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