Entry 29

I woke up briefly at about 09:00 and then slept until about 11:30 when i eventually dragged myself out of bed and hoovered my room. Then i looked after the baby for just over an hour, when i felt my mood start to drop again. So my dad took the baby, and i was left alone. And i had an episode. I got really angry and frustrated at myself and started throwing things and crying uncontrollably. In that moment, it was like there was a war in my head. On the one side, all i can think of is how i want to die. On the other side, i am angry at my family because i know i can’t put them through that. I have a very close, caring and kind family and i think that is the only reason i have lasted this long. My mum and dad came in when they heard me throwing things and my dad sat with me for a while. He was very worried and upset and so was my mum. They calmed me down a little and when they left i ended up having a couple of diazepam to send me to sleep. I slept from 13:00 until about 19:00 and then cried for a little while. Then i went back to sleep until about 21:30. So basically, i slept a lot today! I am awake now though and i feel much better after talking about everything with my boyfriend. He really does calm me down. He makes me feel wanted and loved, and i know he will stick with me no matter how bad i get.

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