Entry 33

I woke up at about 09:00 when my mum ran into the room. We decided that we were going to spend the day shopping with my sister and my grandma. So we spent the day shopping. By the end of it, it was about 16:00 and we were all exhausted! We then had to nip into Ikea to buy my a bed. We tried to do it the other day but my mood was too low and i just wanted to go home. So we go the bed, and a new desk and a few other small things and started on our way home. I had been pretty happy most of the day so far. When we got home, we spent the next few hours building everything and sorting out my room. When we were nearly done, i got a snapchat from my boyfriend. It was him on a bus. I asked him where he was off to and he said he was going out drinking to some club. After reading that, i lost it. I had a panic attack and could not sop crying and violently shaking. I was so angry at him and at my-self. With no real reason to be. I took a diazepam to try and calm me down and when that didn’t seem to do anything i had another. I can’t describe how awful the feelings and emotions i felt were at that time. I wanted to die. I would have done anything possible to stop myself from feeling at that point. But my mum and dad were with me and they refused to leave me alone. So i just had to feel everything. My mum went downstairs for about 5 minutes to get a cup of tea and in that time, i self-harmed. It was a really shitty night. An hour or so later when i had calmed down a bit and the diazepam had started working, my mum left to go to bed because it was really late at this point, and i stayed up and cleaned out my room. Eventually at about 04:00, i got into bed and then got another snapchat from my boyfriend. He was on his way home and was very drunk. I ignored it. I guess i wanted him to feel even a little bit of how i felt so i just didn’t reply and went to sleep.

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